Its 4:38pm…February 9th, 2018. I’m on this airplane literally sitting here staring at my laptop. I thought I finally had enough courage to open up and begin writing, I was wrong. For the past 30 minutes, I just been here staring at a blank screen…. I was literally stuck, but then it hit me. I finalllyyyyyy realized…I’m really just scary. I’m legit scared, haha. Scared as hell in fact lmao. Okay, let me rewind…..
About three years ago, I had this strong desire to start a blog. At the time, I was very depressed. I was in a really low place. I was drinking everyday, blacking out, crying all the time. It was really bad. Now that I think about it, I could honestly say I was really losing myself. One day I was at home, and the idea came to me out of nowhere. When I first thought of it, I was soooooo excited. I stayed up every night for about a month or two doing research, figuring out a name, trying to find a theme, anything you can think of pertaining to blogs, I was up looking it up, okay. I was focused sis. NO games were being playedT.
It took about a month and some change for me to fully come up with my name, color scheme, the whole sha-bang, IT WAS LIT. I was ready to go. Then it hit me. With starting a blog (at least the type of blog I want to put out), you have to put yourself out there. If you want it to reach people and inspire, you really HAVE to be open, transparent and honest. Now, if you know me, you know transparency, opening up, and communicating are things I struggle with. I do not communicate. It physically hurts me to share my feelings, I get nauseous and squirmy and it just hurts (childish, I know), and I am not the type to just share details about my life with just anyone. This really freaked me out and I was scared. So I did what I always do when I’m scared, I loafed. For years I kept making different excuses. “The timing isn’t right”, “I’m just not ready” or my go-to excuse “I HAVE to do a photo shoot, and it hasssss to be lit.” (Till this day my ass still has not done a photoshoot.)
I literally came up with every excuse in the book, and as I did this many of my friends started following their dreams and really putting in work. They started blogs and businesses and they’ve really flourished. Like it really inspired me and it made me just evaluate myself I was just like, damn sis…you’re really playing. So I promised myself, in 2018, no games. I’m dropping this. Its going to happen and whatever God wants it to become, it will become.
I originally wanted to drop it in January, but I was scared yet AGAIN. I was just letting time pass me by and my scary behind was content. That was until I was scrolling down me feed on Instagram and I saw a post and it said “Don’t let your head talk you out of what God has told you in your heart”. When I say this hit me, it HIT me. You see often times God gives us desires in our hearts, and he tells us that these desires are yours. It is attainable. It can happen. All you have to do is put in the work, trust him, and trust the process. It seems pretty simple, but we as humans, we have doubt. Not only do we doubt the process, but we doubt ourselves and we doubt God as well. Who knows where my blog could be right now? How many people I would’ve inspired? Or how many things I could’ve done? Although I am a firm believer that everything happens at the right time, I had to learn how to get out of my own way. I’d put myself down and sell myself short.Whenever I thought about this blog, I would just tell myself “nobody cares what you have to say” or “no one will read your blog”. I was my own worst enemy. I literally shot down every idea I ever had all because of fear. There was fear of failure, fear of what other people would think of me or what I’ve done or been through. I promised myself I’d let fear go. So as this is the first blog post of many to come (hopefully, I pray I don’t punk out and not post this lmao), I challenge each and every one of you to leave fear behind. Whatever it is you want to do, go for it! Even if you fail embrace it, it is all apart of the process. Move forcefully in the direction of your dreams. Keep those doubts out and just do it. Whatever you want this year, for yourself, for your life, just do it. Even if no one believes in you, believe in yourself, and enjoy the journey.
The entire purpose of this blog is to inspire. Inspire my fellow friend, enemy, sister, Queen, whoever…this blog is for US. I want this to be a space where as you read and you hear my story, you learn and you grow as I am. You win with me, you lose with me; you take every mistake I make and learn a lesson. You use your struggles not to stop you but to empower you, to build you up, to make you stronger, and to push you keep going. This is my journey through life and I hope throughout this topsy-turvy mess, you’re inspired and you also find your way. …So from one Ayaba to another…this is just the beginning.