Lately

Usually, I’ll come up with some catchy name and a cute graphic, but this time I just wanted to be raw and transparent about how I’ve been feeling lately with life and about my journey. 

Lately, I’ve been going through a whirlwind of things. Life has really been coming at me and its like PAUSE………….what did I EVER do to life?! Like why do I deserve this, lol. I’ve been feeling lonely, powerless, confused, lost, all the above…despite this I have moments where I have “power feels” (where I feel spirts of motivation and I feel unstoppable), but then life levels it out and I crash. I feel like my world is collapsing. Everything I am going through at the time just hits me all at once.

Issues with my job, finances, living away from home on my own, not being in a relationship, not being where I planned to be has contributed to my feelings of doubt and sadness. These are things I deal with regularly, but as humans we all come to a point where we feel enough is enough, and I was there.

I was feeling extremely low and it physically showed. You could see me and tell I was going through it. You ever heard the saying “I thank God because I don’t look like what I’m going through”? Well, I looked like what I was going through times two, lol. The good thing about being low is that you’re your most vulnerable state, and you are honest with yourself. Its during this time, you hear yourself the most. 

One day, I was laying in bed thinking. Like okay boom…..this is the problem, this is how you feel, do you want to feel like this forever or do you want to change your situation? This is when I found my power. I realized we control our narratives. Yes, we know life will not be easy, especially being a Christian, but wallowing in pity and self doubt does nothing for your tomorrow. It’s about what you will do in the face of adversity.

I tend to read on powerful and influential women for inspiration, and out of all the inspiring stories I read, I noticed 1 similarity about all these women. When times were tough, they never gave up. They looked each trial and tribulation and took it head on. Of course they had their moments, but it wasn’t for long. They adjusted their crowns, and got back to business. I decided this was the mentality I wanted to adopt. 

Lately, yes, life has been kicking my ass, but I have been putting up one hell of a fight. In my time of struggle, I am realizing my power. I am more resilient, I am strong, I am beautiful, I am a fighter…I am so much more than what I am currently facing. And me realizing this has caused to me to love myself so much more. I’ve been in my bag, getting things done, and feeling a little more sexy (my weight loss has also contributed to this s/o to Allison!). I see what I am truly capable of and I love it.

All in all, what I am trying to say is that when you have your moments and everything around you has come crashing down, it is in that moment that you rise. These situations are temporary and they allow you to see what you’re made of. You access and harness a power you didn’t even know you had. Ayabas don’t let temporary defeats keep them down. They look situations straight in the face and go beast mode. I just wanted to send words of encouragement, because I know lately I have been in need of it, and I’m sure someone somewhere needs it too. Don’t let your lately determine or affect your tomorrow. Put your faith in God and always have hope. My mother tells me where there is life there is hope. That means as long as you’re still breathing there is a chance for change to come. Keep going. Decide to be unstoppable, then become it. Do not let anything stand in your way. 

Purpose

Does anyone know the story of Esther? No, not my story, haha. The story of Queen Esther in the bible! If not, thats cool because you’ll get a cliff notes version today! If you are a non-believer, do not let this discourage you, keep reading! I promise you will still learn from this. It’ll resonate with you. The story of Esther is one of my all time favs. Not because this amazing woman and I share the same name, but because this story speaks to what it means to have a divine purpose. 

Esther was what we call the “underdog”. She was counted out. She had all the odds working against her. She was a poor Jewish orphan that was raised by her Uncle Mordecai. At this point in history, Jews were not it. They were the “lower” race. The King at the time was looking for a new wife (he kicked the old one out). So he did an “America’s Next Top Model” search. He took all the land’s most beautiful women, placed them in a palace, pampered and, had them undergo etiquette training for a year or two before deciding his next Queen. The moment he saw Esther, he was immediately in love. He knew she had to be his wife. So he chose her. She was picked out of the hundreds of women in the land. Pause……Remember this!

Now, she’s in the palace living her best Queenly life.The King has a very evil and wicked right hand man. The King doesn’t know of his evil ways (not a point I was going to make, but please be mindful of the company you keep), but this man was indeed evil. Right hand was not very fond of the Jews. In fact he hated them. He got into the King’s ear and concocted a plan to have them all killed. Esther got hip to the plan, and she knew she had to do something. At first, she was scared because no one in the palace knew she was a Jew, but her uncle encouraged her. He told her “who knows if perhaps you were made for a time such as this” Esther 4:14. Pause……Remember this point too! 

Esther made the choice to put her fear aside, took action. She secretly sent a message to all the  Jews in the land to pray and fast with her for three days; at the end of three days, she would confront the king (despite her fear), and fight for her people. Pause….Remember this again! To cut the long story short, Esther ended up saving her people and the evil right hand man was killed. I shortened the story very much, so I urge everyone to take the time and read it!

Now what exactly did we learn from this story in relation to purpose?

1. When you have a particular purpose, no matter how many are in that lane or field, you will succeed. You will find favor and success will be yours. Remember point #1. Esther went up against endless women. Every single one, beautiful. Others, even more beautiful than her, others, more rich than her, and most likely other were more cultured than her. Despite all that, she was the one. Why? Because sis served a purpose! God placed her there for a reason. To save her people. 

In life, there are certain dreams and aspirations that we have that are there for us to fulfill our purpose. We want them to manifest, but we fear they won’t come to pass because that area of interest is “oversaturated”. “I want to make a youtube channel, but everyone is doing it”…..”I want to be a makeup artists, but so does everyone else”……..”I want to start a fashion line, but….” My response to that is so? What is destined for you will be yours, no matter how oversaturated that market is. Do you know how many other blogs are out there? Others are more advanced, others have more followers, and others have more influence. One thing I know is that not anyone of them have a me. 

2. The second thing I asked you all to remember is that verse, Esther 4:14.                                   Who knows if perhaps you were made for a time such as this? I came across this verse while I was doing the Black and Gold Pageant for Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Inc. My pageant mom Amber (Shoutout to Amber!!!) blessed me with this verse. Up until then I knew nothing about it, but ever since, it has been my life’s motto. That sentence is purpose in itself. There are moments where you realize that wow, I was created just for this. I’ve been through a number of things in my life, some you cannot even imagine, but it used to really get to me. I came to the realization one day that everything I have ever faced is for a purpose. How can I preach about lack of self love when I haven’t even known how that feels? Without my experiences, this blog would not exist. Life can be hard, but understand it is all for a purpose. There will be trials and tribulations coming from situations, people, and just uncontrollable circumstances, but they all serve a purpose. Imagine if Esther was not a Jew. Those people would’ve perished. With her being Queen, she saved them, and in her new position imagine all the things she could’ve done for them. 

3. Finally, when you know/have your purpose, you have got to face your fears.  Esther had to let it be known that she herself was a Jew in order for her to save her people. To keep it stack, sis could’ve been killed right then and there, but she looked fear in the face and went for it. What fear is holding you back from fufllinig your purpose? When you have purpose, things like this will come, but you have to push through. Till this moment I get thoughts about how I should quit blogging, but I push through. I do my part by doing it anyway. Then I get messages from Ayabas telling me how I have helped them. This gives me confirmation that I am living in my purpose. 

My purpose is to help others. I want to do this in so many ways. By being a doctor, blogger, influencer, entrepreneur, and so much more. In every field I aspire to be in, I’m helping people in one way or another. I know that in my journey I will be hit with hardships, I will see others that may even be better than me, but what I know is, despite all that, this is what I was put on Earth to do. No matter what I am living in my purpose. Ayaba, are you? If not, put aside doubts, fears, and hardships…..pick your head up, fix your crown, and go forth. It’ll be apart of your story to tell. Live in your purpose!